The power of rest.
Today is one of the first days I’ve felt like a full-ass human being after being sick with COVID for almost 2 weeks.
So here I am, home empty and deliciously silent, cats snuggled up at my side, coffee on the table next to me, just enjoying the feeling of my first non-feverish morning in a while.
Life is good.
And then, inevitably, the thoughts come.
Oh lord, the thoughts.
My inner critic came whirring and sputtering back to the party like the unwelcome guest that it is. And the familiar inner dialogue went like this:
Inner critic: So what are we gonna work on this morning, now that you’re feeling ok?
Higher self: This is the literal first day I’ve felt fully human again, so maybe we can ease back into things?
Inner critic: I mean, you’ve had like 2 weeks off, I don’t understand what the problem is.
Higher self: Oh, you mean laying in bed all day with a fever? Yes, it was almost as relaxing as a morning by the pool. Except with way more DayQuil and the general inability to…well, function.
And here’s the thing: my inner critic is not out to get me, persay, it’s just a little, well…brainwashed.
Because here’s the deal: my inner critic is a part of me that has spent over 30 years of my life absorbing messages about work ethic as a measure of my own self worth - from family members, from school, and from our capitalism-soaked society at large.
And it’s aims are very simple: get the gold star at any cost. That’s the only way it knows how to feel good and special, and so it does this job using the only tools it has.
So it yells at me.
Tries to manipulate me.
Scares me into compliance.
And, when all else fails, it raises the stakes and catastrophizes the outcome any time I dare go against the status quo.
For instance:
Wanna take the morning off? Well, ya can’t because your business will implode and you’ll end up working at Chipotle.
Social media poisoning your mental health? If you delete your accounts, you’ll never work in this town again, kid.
(Because My inner critic sometimes likes to pretend like he’s a Hollywood agent from the 1940’s.)
Sound familiar?
The tools used by inner critic may not be particularly sophisticated, but they are highly effective at scaring me and chasing me away from the voice of my intuition straight into the opposite direction.
So here’s what I did, fresh off the COVID boat, and apparently under attack from an existentially panicked part of my inner child:
I paused and took a breath.
I understood that her perspective was not the LITERAL truth. It was the kind of distortion that someone seeking a shred of order and control clings to with a Red Bull-infused ferocity and desperation.
And honestly, 9am was a little too early to hold the entire weight of her capitalism-inspired productivity panic on my shoulders.
So after making my morning coffee and taking several VERY deep breaths, I asked myself the game-changing question:
What do you WANT to do this morning?
And a little voice inside me said, ‘I want to do a tarot card spread.’
So I did.
I stopped paying attention to the inner critic, who was trying to figure out WHY on earth I would want to dust my cards off now, after months of leaving them untouched on the shelf, when I could be working.
Asking me to explain, preferably in writing, how that desire even made sense.
Questioning what I could possibly gain from such a frivolous way of starting the morning.
Because none of those judgments or anxieties came from my higher self; they came from a lower-vibrating, fear-based, socially conditioned self.
And while I’m learning to love that part of myself, I’m also getting in the habit of taking the car keys from her every time she wants to take my life out for a joy ride unsupervised.
My higher self was pretty clear. She wanted to play with the tarot cards.
And so instead of making myself EARN the thing I wanted, say at the end of the day, after doing unspecified busy work for 8 hours, I just gave it to myself.
Like right when I wanted it.
When they say it’s the little things in life, I’m pretty sure this is the literal moment they were referring to.
And you know what? There were messages in the tarot cards that day that I NEEDED to hear. Messages about the necessity of rest, of caring for my spirit, and the importance of play.
And the productivity?
Well, given that you’re reading this blog right now, it inevitably came. Just not in the way my inner critic was convinced it should.
It came through allowing myself to have the things I want in this moment. The things that fill me up. The things that soothe me, bring me joy, and feed my motivation to stick with this wild ride called entrepreneurship for yet another day.
Not through forcing myself into action, setting arbitrary standards for success, or pummeling myself with dodgeball-sized ‘shoulds’.
Because you know what?
I’m finally learning, through my own ongoing healing journey, that I don’t deserve that.
And regardless of where you are in terms of achieving your goals or how much (or how little) success you feel you’ve achieved in your business journey thus far,
Neither do you.
So take those car keys back from your inner negative Nancy, take a good ol’ fashioned deep breath, and ask the calmest, highest version of yourself what you would enjoy experiencing in this moment.
And then…allow yourself the simple pleasure of receiving it.